Joel Klebanoff | May 13, 2008 | 9:57 am
My day job is writing. MC Press published a collection of my humorous rants under the title BYTE-ing Satire. You don't have to look very far on this page to find a link to buy it at Amazon. Be that as it may, what I do mostly is write marketing material — articles, white papers, brochure copy, case studies, etc. — for business-to-business software companies. My clients seem to think I'm good at that, but I'm considering giving it up because I've become convinced that I need to devote all of my time and energy to the care and feeding of my computer.
My computer has been behaving strangely lately so I've been running a steady stream of anti-virus, anti-spyware, anti-adware and anti-ad nauseam scans. Of course, I also have to spend a lot of time making sure that all of that software, not to mention my operating system and the software I use to do my job, is current with all of the latest security patches. (Sometimes the "automatic update" processes aren't quite up-to-date or they leave behind a few special fixes that were designed to resolve problems that arise under exceptionally rare circumstances — such as the circumstances existing on my computer.)
Of course, in addition to the manually initiated scans, I also have anti-virus, anti-spam, and anti-spyware software, along with a firewall, running continuously in the background. Oh yes, and the automatic update processes for all of my software occasionally fire themselves up, check my hard drive, take over my internet connection to see if anything needs updating and update it if it does. As a result, if I decide to quit my normal job to devote more time to my computer it may not be all that big a leap anyway. With all of that defensive software running incessantly, my computer doesn't have enough power left over to run the software I need for my paid work. Besides, all of those protective programs are filling up my hard drive, so I'm going to have to delete most of my business documents to free up some space.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to sign off so I can go out and buy a computer powerful enough and with sufficient disk space to run all of my anti-stuff stuff.
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Joel Klebanoff | April 29, 2008 | 1:17 pm
I did a Google search and found it used elsewhere, so I can't claim originality, but I'd like to nominate "wonkified" for official adoption as a word in the English language. I'm sure that once whoever is responsible for adjudicating these things accepts the wisdom of my suggestion, people will find a number of valid uses for the word, but my recognition of this shocking linguistic lacking came about as a result of my use of Microsoft Windows.
I've found that if I leave Windows open for too long without rebooting and, not necessarily simultaneously, use too many programs over that time, things start randomly malfunctioning. There doesn't seem to be any way to identify what constitutes "too long" or "too many."
It's also not possible to predict what will go wrong. Sometimes programs hang or crash without warning. Sometimes my Internet connection stops connecting. Sometimes things slow down intolerably. Sometimes, after I've done a lot of work and try to save a file, I get a message telling me that I can't save the file because my disk is full, despite the fact that there's oodles of free space on the disk. And sometimes multiple things go wrong. In short, things just start to go wonky. Hence the need for the word "wonkified," as in, "Windows has become wonkified. I guess it's time to reboot."
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Joel Klebanoff | April 14, 2008 | 11:16 am
I just received an email from my business school alma mater. The note promoted a reception in honor of the launch of a new book, titled "Who Owns Canada," by Diane Francis, Editor-at-Large and Columnist at the National Post, a Canadian newspaper.
What a waste of time and paper! It is quite clear who owns Canada. I do.
A couple of weeks ago I received a very enthusiastic, yet frantic, email that offered to sell me Canada for just $199.95. It seems that the previous owner of Canada has some close relatives who have been unjustly imprisoned in Nigeria. The seller is desperate for any cash he can get his hands on to pay ransom to the corrupt officials who are holding his relatives.
The sales offer contained a number of spelling errors — which was a good thing because otherwise my spam filters might have blocked it — but, despite the no doubt accidental typos, the tremendous value of the offer was obvious.
The deal closed yesterday when I turned the funds over to the seller. Considering the ends he needed to put the money to, I didn't think that it was the least bit suspicious that he insisted on receiving the funds in unmarked bills. I would have preferred a method of payment that would have left me with stronger proof of my disbursement, but I thought that $199.95 for all of Canada was too good a deal to pass up, so I gave him ten $20-dollar bills.
I let him keep the change. It was the least I could do in view of his relatives' predicament.
So I now have title to Canada. All of Canada. I'll be sending rent notices to my fellow Canadians within the next couple of weeks. I'm sure you will enjoy having me as your landlord. Just don't cross me.
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Joel Klebanoff | April 5, 2008 | 9:57 pm
I'm a downtown dweller, work out of my home and live the life of a hermit, so I rarely drive. Consequently, I never thought it worthwhile to buy a GPS navigation device for my car, a 1972 Ford Pinto that still has that new car smell and the original tires, without any tread wear. I did, however, recently use a GPS unit in a rental car when I was out of town. These things — GPS navigation devices, not rental cars — are incredible. Without it, I would have gotten lost. The thing was even able to tell me when there was heavy traffic ahead.
I read somewhere that this traffic information comes from a few sources, one of which is the units themselves. There are a whole bunch of these things on the road and the companies that supply the service are able to monitor their movement. (The companies claim that this tracking is done anonymously and, therefore, they don't know it is you who is en route to the local bordello.)
If a GPS navigation device is moving slowly or stops in the middle of a highway before reaching its destination, the service can assume that the car it is riding in is stuck in traffic. The service can then provide this information to other GPS units approaching that location. This will allow other drivers to take another route to shorten their travel times significantly and to avoid the road rage that often arises when traffic comes to a standstill.
The opportunities to enhance our everyday life through the use of modern technologies never cease to amaze me. Here's what I'm thinking. Buy a 12-volt battery and a GPS navigation device. Throw them into a backpack. When you're going for a walk to pick up some stuff at the corner store, you're going to visit a neighbor or you're hiking somewhere else nearby, hook up the GPS unit to the battery, program into the device a much more distant target than your intended destination and strap on the backpack. Saunter along your route. Be friendly and stop to talk to all of your neighbors along the way. Get more out of your life by frequently pausing to smell the flowers. Shoot a few hoops in the schoolyard basketball court. In short, for at least a while, drop out of the hustle and bustle of your normal life.
When you get to where you are going and are about to return home, pull out the GPS navigation device, cancel the first destination and program in a new one that is well beyond your home in the return direction. Then enjoy as leisurely a stroll back as you did on the way out.
Share this idea with everyone on your block and convince them to do the same thing. You'll have the quietest neighborhood in the city as all drivers are directed away from the massive traffic jams that the GPS navigation devices think are occurring in your environs.
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Joel Klebanoff | March 25, 2008 | 1:47 pm
Here's a little known fact about my hometown, Toronto, Canada:
If you took all of the residents of Toronto, had them lie down flat on the ground in a straight line aligned east to west, with each person's feet just brushing the top of the head of the next person to the east, you'd have one hell of a lot of exceptionally pissed off people and a few people who got off on that sort of thing.
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Joel Klebanoff | January 23, 2008 | 9:51 am
All kidding aside, if you walked into a room already populated with a person and a chimpanzee, you would have no problem distinguishing between the two. Nonetheless, most scientific studies on the differences between human and chimpanzee DNA show a variance of somewhere between 1.2 and 2.7 percent. Despite there still being some expert debate on where in that range the number actually falls, regardless of who wins the argument, it is clear that the genetic difference between us and our nearest relatives in the animal kingdom is startlingly small. This goes a long way to explain the quality of television programming over the years.
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Joel Klebanoff | December 25, 2007 | 8:45 am
Our choice of religion is usually arbitrary. It's typically the result of an accident of birth (not to suggest that your conception was an accident, but, then again, it might have been) or a chance encounter with a charismatic preacher. The truth is that most people adopt a faith for no better reason than it's the one into which one or both of their parents indoctrinated them.
At the core of your being you likely sense that "because that's what my parents believed" or "because that's what Reverend Shyster, the five-time winner of the huckster of the year award before turning his skills to the religion business, said is the path to heaven" is not an adequate rationale for internalizing an all-encompassing personal philosophy. However, selecting another faith is exceptionally difficult as they are all equally groundless. And, even if you are able to decide on one, the work involved in learning all of the asinine, implausible stories and weird rules is so great as to be much more bother than it's worth. That's why FutileSoft developed ReligioMatic.
ReligioMatic is software that you load on your computer or run over the Internet at FutileSoft's Web site. When you start up ReligioMatic, it displays a roulette wheel graphic either in your browser or, in the downloaded version, in a standard window. Instead of numbers, religious icons adorn the wheel's face.
When you press the "Ctrl" and "R" keys the wheel will begin to spin rapidly. This continues for a randomly selected duration. When the roulette wheel slows down and eventually stops, the virtual marble spinning in it lands on what becomes the winning religion. You are then shown a brief synopsis of the religion's creeds and practices. A pop-up screen offers you the option of selecting that religion or trying again. If you opt to try again, the process is repeated. You can continue until you find a religion that suits your temperament and wardrobe.
Once you've chosen your faith, all of the relevant sacred texts are downloaded to your computer. In addition, if you have to pass any tests in order to join the faith, you can take those tests online from the comfort of your home. Unfortunately, the initiation rites of some religions, such as being dunked in water or having your foreskin carved off, usually have to be performed in person under the guidance one of the clergy or another religious official.
Pros:
- ReligioMatic's "Inculcation Mode" is a great way to hammer into your head your selected religion's precepts and strictures and to help you to truly believe even when there is no rational reason to do so. Constant repetition of the religion's dictates and myths accompanied by hypnotic chanting of hymns simulates an accurate replica of normal, off-line religious practice, just as if you had been brought up in the faith from birth—but you'll come to blindly accept the religion in a much shorter time.
- The software's online update facility keeps ReligioMatic current with all of the latest sects, cults and end-of-days predictions.
- FutileSoft's Web store usually stocks 100 percent of the necessary clothing, scriptures, icons and other paraphernalia required for all of the religions in its database. In the unlikely event that the item you need is on backorder, FutileSoft guarantees that it will arrive before the Apocalypse (if appropriate in your chosen religion) or the item is free.
Cons:
- Despite being very realistic, the audio file that shout's "I BELIEVE" whenever a random religion is displayed is exceptionally hokey and annoying. We would like to have a way to shut it off.
- FutileSoft's prices for religious accouterments is very steep. You can probably find the same item, brand new, for half the price elsewhere on the Web.
- FutileSoft adds a 40% markup on all dues, ceremony fees and mandatory tithes (if any) for your chosen religion.
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Joel Klebanoff | December 20, 2007 | 11:49 am
Life frequently places valuable opportunities in our paths. Unfortunately, many of us are insufficiently attuned to our environment to spot them. Others recognize the prospects, but they are so committed to the rut they have trod for themselves that they are afraid to take so much as a step off their set course even when doing so promises enormous rewards. Still others are too afraid to take what they perceive to be a big risk or they are too lazy to make the necessary effort.
I'm a firm believer in the philosophy that says, when life presents you with a golden opportunity you should do everything in your power to seize it and use it to its greatest advantage; even if that means taking an enormous diversion from the normal course of your life. Make the extraordinary effort. Climb out on an intimidating limb. Take a fearsome gamble. In short, do whatever it takes to make the most of the opportunity. It may never come your way again.
For example, when I pass a Starbucks and see there's an empty table inside I usually go in, order a doppio espresso and a pastry, sit down and enjoy it. I don't know what the situation is where you live, but an empty table in a Starbucks is an opportunity that presents itself only very rarely in downtown Toronto. I know; I know; I'm an recklessly impetuous guy, but sometimes you just have to reach out and grab the opportunities that life hands you. Besides, holing up in a Starbucks while I enjoy a nice espresso and pastry protects me, for at least a little while, from being bombarded by other opportunities that threaten to divert me from my life's course.
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Joel Klebanoff | December 12, 2007 | 9:27 am
You often hear people complain about how much effort they have to put into cleaning their homes. They should stop their moaning because all it takes to make household chores much less burdensome is a simple change in attitude. I'm not talking about the bobble-headedly sanguine outlook of "just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down." No, I'm proposing an attitude adjustment that will have a much more tangible effect. For example, I figure that dust forms a natural protective coating on my furniture. Looked at from this perspective, it would be foolish of me to remove it. Needless to say, I don't bother dusting. I'm not stupid.
In addition, if I drop food on the floor, I don't rush to clean it up. The insects that inhabit our homes evolved to live off our droppings, among other things. What's more, their evolution occurred in concert with human evolution. Who am I to argue with such a powerful force as evolution? (If you're a theist, you have an even stronger reason not to clean up. Clearly, by your rationale, God placed those insects there for a reason. Do you really want to risk the wrath of God by depriving His creatures of even one of their food sources?) Therefore, I leave the fallen food where it lies. Eventually, the insects will clean it up for me. Insects are our friends.
I'm also convinced that incessant cleaning leads to a weakened immune system. The way I see it, I'm much better off leaving lots of germs around to give my immune system a good workout so it can stay in shape. What does this mean in practical terms? I don't clean my toilets.
Newspapers left lying around on the floor after you finish reading them provide good insulation that can protect you from cold floors. By reducing the need to heat your home, this reduces your production of greenhouse gases and, thereby, helps to save the planet. However, make certain that the papers remain scattered about higgledy-piggledy as it is the dead air between them that provides the greatest insulation. (Note: People who live in warm climates can't use this rationalization and will, therefore, have to find another one.)
If you follow my few helpful hints your housework will drop to almost nothing in no time. I'm glad I could be of service.
(Oh, by the way, did I mention that I live alone and don't allow anyone to visit? This probably also goes a long way to explaining why I'm still single.)
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Joel Klebanoff | December 10, 2007 | 9:49 am
Because of troubles in the world today and those of the last few years—not to mention the last few millennia—there has, of late, been much examination of and debate about "religious wars", "holy wars" and "religious terrorism". Or, frequently, the name of a particular religion is substituted for the word "religious" in the latter phrase.
This terminology is excruciatingly unfair and must stop. It is extremely insensitive to the feelings of people with deeply held religious beliefs, most of whom would never think to use force to impose their spiritual views on someone else. (Except, of course, on their children. And, I ask you, if parents aren't allowed to cram their religious views down their innocent children's little throats, then who the hell is?)
So, in fairness to and consideration of religious people everywhere, we must immediately cease our tactless use of the tactless, loaded terms "religious war", "holy war", "religious terrorism," "—fill in the adjective form of your favorite religion— terrorism" and similar expressions. Instead, I suggest that we henceforth adopt the much more politically correct phrase, "excessively aggressive faith-based initiative."
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